Well . . . There’s Still Good News

(In which I try to be optimistic.)

***

On Studying

I got back to school recently and though I was only enrolled for two subjects, it felt like I was studying full-time because of the tons of readings to be done, essays to be written and reports to be studied. But I don’t mind. It sometimes feels better to be the student than to be the teacher. Somehow, being guided by an authority is more secure than being the authority itself. It’s nice to feel this security even just once a week. Let’s leave it at that.

On Teaching Online

We don’t work for eight hours straight. No, we don’t. We’re one of the lucky people who have their own rooms, have considerably long breaks, can access the Internet during those breaks and still get paid for doing so or for virtually doing nothing. That was cool. Until they noticed how really long my break is and decided to put an end to my luck.

Yesterday, I was told to teach a high school student grammar and writing from 6pm-8pm. That’s right. That’s how long my break has been. Apparently, good things never last.

On Teaching the New Boy

The student wants grammar and writing and Brent International School. He shows me his essays and book reports to point out that he knows how to write but that his grammar puts him down. He shows me his report card and his folders to show that he’s not a bad student. He’s not, really. So I told him to just do advance reading and ask me about the things he doesn’t understand. Well, that’s a tough challenge for both of us but that’s what really happens when a student has big goals.

On Teaching the Old Boys

Gerald has been patient with his writing and the boring class time. (And I have been, too.) Jack has been patient with my tardiness for as long as I can remember. I told him about the new project I am on and confessed that I am thinking of giving up the class with him. Incidentally, he was thinking of the same thing and we came up with a consensus. Oh! The beauty of having laziness on both ends!

On Blogging

The best thing about this blog’s being personal-turned-bookish is that it can always go back to being personal when I have nothing book-related to post. It’s convenient . . . and cathartic.

Photo SourceOptimism

Save the Best for Last

(In which I got something good from her.)

***

My Facebook wall got flooded by numerous status messages saying their good bye’s and thank you’s to a teacher who’s leaving yesterday. That day wasn’t really a good day since Alvin wasn’t always available for chatting because of a meeting; I was given 24 students to teach for the last seven hours of that hard day’s work and I was even handed a level up test form to fill. I scanned the schedule over and over, checking for possible time to breathe and eat and do my stuff only to find several ten-minute breaks distributed separately.

The day went on as usual – me multitasking and my students giving me either their best or worst performances. But what I really love the most was the continuous ringing followed by an operator saying an alien language which means no one’s picking up and I have to try again later.

After being exhausted from talking to one student to another and trying to maintain the same energy level as the first time I answered the phone, I was thankful to dial the final student’s number for this evening only to be more thankful.

The person on the other line’s voice was very welcoming and warm. And did I mention he has a good accent? When I say he has a good accent, I mean he is trying, albeit effortlessly, not to sound in his first language. And he converses! This is the type of student with whom you’ll feel that ten minutes is indeed short.

I bet he’s cute personally, his voice tells me. And he’s so suave I swear I could already imagine what a heartthrob he must be. After the class, I approached his former teacher, hugged her and said my good bye. I also told her about my new student.

“He told me you used to be his teacher.”

Her eyebrows crossed out of cluelessness. I tried to remember his full name but was only successful in recalling his last, which is the most common surname in their country. She saved me from even more painful trying and shouted his name.

“Yes! He’s the one!” I shouted back.

All my thoughts about the 22-year-old student were almost confirmed as she faked fainting and fanned herself with her hand. She then said I’m lucky in a manner people speak during the Spanish regime.

So I am lucky. Well, I deserved some consolations after this hard day.

On Happiness: A Letter To Someone From the Past and Present

(In which learning the difference makes the difference.)

***

August 23, 2009

8:05 PM

Dear,

I want to share with you one of the best lessons, er, or should I say, the only good lesson I got from a professor of American Literature way back my second year in the university. She once asked us the definition of happiness, which we tried to answer using the different shades of the word’s meaning. Then, as if to augment our agony, she asked again “What is the difference between satisfaction and contentment?” A classmate answered, “Well, they both suggest happiness.” to which the professor replied, “Yes, they do. They are similar in the sense that they both suggest happiness. However, it’s the duration of happiness that sets them apart.”

Then silence fell over the class. And she continued.

“Being satisfied with something, or someone, gives you pleasure from happiness that is ephemeral and volatile. Satisfaction suggests conditions, and if those conditions are no longer met, you cease to be satisfied and you cease to be happy. Your happiness, therefore, is short-lived and ends upon the change of conditions. Contentment, on the other hand, suggests happiness that is long-term. When you are contented, there are no but’s, no maybe’s, no if’s. You can stick with someone or something and never get tired of it. You don’t need any conditions. So if you want to be happy, you need to be contented.”

You told me once, that you’ve always wanted me to be happy. And whatever you’re doing now is a manifestation of your pure and unconditional love for me. Thank you very much. But dear, I don’t need another mother. You can do better than that.

But despite everything, I want you to know that you are very much appreciated and loved. I’m not the silly kid you used to know. At least not as silly as I used to be. You see, I am thinking now. But please do not forget that I am also feeling.

No matter how much we try to categorize things, I believe these present feelings and intentions will be hard, if not impossible, to classify under a specific term. I don’t really care much about it. What’s more important now is, sadly, the ephemeral factor of this relationship - however you want to call this relationship.

I’m starting to understand, but not fully. All I know is, from what you said, you are offering me pure love that I either overlook or do not see at all. You might be right. But I guess it is not wrong to think that your pure love is equal to charity. (Thank you for your generosity.)

Or maybe, what you’re really trying to teach me is that you can only give me the satisfaction from the knowledge and feeling that I am not alone – for now. That you are just nurturing and taking care of me until I am strong enough to be free from your benevolent guidance. My dear, how lame and corny can you be! Your litany of reasons and justifications and excuses make me feel like I’m a bird learning to fly. How literary! But you’re right. For now, I am dependent of your presence. So dear, let’s keep it simple. Drop the nonsense lines and unwelcomed names. I see that it’s not happiness you’re giving, but the realization of the truth that it is contentment I need which is not in you.

Dear, please do not let your pure love drag me to the quicksand of doom. Instead, let it guide me towards complete healing. You can leave anytime but now, nor tomorrow. It is again the question of duration. Until then, please stay and bear with me.

For our happiness,

The Seeker Girl

Slowly… Closer

(In which every step is a movement closer to freedom.)

When everything has fallen down and hope seems obscured
By clouds - dark clouds,
I listen
to a familiar voice
and a familiar song.
then
I can get my way back
Into the old me.
The old me who has known happiness
In you.

You,
whose reticence has made my heart
numb and wounded
You,
whose shadow nor trace was neither visible
yet felt.
Your memories, omnipresent;
Like a ghost that haunts me when I’m most vulnerable.
And now you are
As abstract as a ghost.
as abstract as your voice
and a song.
Yet how sweet it is to be back
to my old self.

Slowly.
As slow as melody dancing its way
To my heart,
I glide back to happiness.
And if I have to do it alone, let it be.

Happiness

(In which a middle school student taught me what happiness means.)

I used to work in a company that caters to Koreans who want to learn English over the internet. There are times when I wasn’t having a class and I tried to listen to some teachers while they were conducting theirs.
Teacher: Hello Students, how are you today?... Oh let’s welcome Happyday (one of the students’ names)… Wow! Everybody seemed happy to see you, Happyday!... And there’s a message from Julia and it says “Did you have a happy day today, Happyday?”… Anyway, I was curious, why did you choose the name Happyday?... Oh, so that every day is a happy day? Wow! You’re so optimistic!

***

I left the company and went to another one and had a job related to what I used to have. Now I teach Korean students over the phone. I’ve been working there for more than eight months and recently, I had a student who is so much like Happyday.
Me: Hello, Eun Su!
Eun Su: Hello, teacher!
Me: How was your day?
Eun Su: It’s happy! I always happy! [sic]
Me: (After correcting her grammar) Did anything special happen today?
Eun Su: I’m practice piano and study English and Math! [sic]
Me: (After correcting her grammar) Isn’t it tiring?
Eun Su: Tiring? (After understanding what “tiring” means…) Ah, yes! But, I’m happy!
Me: Really? Why?
Eun Su: Because life is fantastic! I see blue sky and friends and people, parents love me, so happy! [sic]