Ignorance, Knowledge and Danger

(In which I am experiencing the irony of learning and growing.)

***

In one of my reflection papers in my Literature class, I have written how overwhelmed I was because of the newfound knowledge I am acquiring. It seems that the more I learn, the more I realize that I am stupid. The more I know, the more I have to learn. Sigh. How can I put it so that I wouldn’t appear like I am trying to pose a mystery?

Okay. Literature is such a vast subject – so vast that limiting it seems to be impossible since it works with language – Linguistics – which works with so much more sciences. As I learned how to read literature, I also feel the need to know to write it – and of course, to teach it. Every now and then, I feel bombarded with so many tasks required for mastery. If in case you are in any shade of doubt, I am telling you that I know I have to undergo all these. However, it just came to me as, should I call it, an eye opener? That learning makes you realize that there are so much more to learn. Perhaps it is the most important feature of knowledge – the knowledge that you are ignorant.

But the good thing is, I know where my ignorance comes from. In school, it comes from the lack of awareness of the importance of a subject matter. In life, it’s comes from the fear of accepting things as they are - the lack of acceptance of reality. At times, I’d rather be ignorant and fake innocence than face facts. How intense the danger ignorance causes me in real life! As you can see, I know it. I am aware of my ignorance. But knowledge doesn’t seem enough.

I also know that I am getting pointless. So let’s end it here.

Currently Rereading:

"The Birth of Venus" by Sarah Dunant

I’m a Monster! Rraaarrr!!

(In which my sister’s insensitivity strikes again.)

***

I am a student of the Graduate School in the University of the Red Warriors – and quite a responsible one, modesty aside. I do my homework, submit papers on time and participate in discussions. I do my best to fulfill my responsibilities even if it will cause me less time to sleep and another battle to survive a day in the office. But you see, I was able to do my tasks – without having a computer of my own.

Sometimes, no, I always feel guilty whenever I have to do all my reflection papers and statistical computations on my office computer after and sometimes, during class when I was supposed to be teaching. I know it’s unfair. I sometimes get to work two hours earlier than my schedule to have more time to do my school works. I feel like I’m getting paid for teaching for several hours and taking advantage of the office equipments in completing my requirements for the sake of earning units in my Graduate studies.

Last week, I was so bombarded with papers and due dates that every day seemed to be an impossible day. Imagine having to calculate F tests and T tests in statistics using dummy data for a mock research while sneaking some food into your mouth and checking on your clock to see if it’s time to call the next student. Or discreetly typing some sentences on your reflection paper while the student is reading a story. Now that’s multitasking. I just love the thought that my bosses aren’t reading this post.

So I feel so pathetic that I can’t believe I have almost made it to the first semester of my Graduate studies without the aid of a personal computer listed in my Statement of Assets. That’s why I asked my sister who owns a notebook computer because of her benevolent boyfriend’s generosity. At this point, I would like to thank my MP4 player/flash drive for letting me down just when I need its service the most.

But I have the temporary access to my sister’s computer and I started writing the rest of the historical and contextual background of our research in psychology, browsing some newspaper articles and similar researches hours after arriving from school on a late Saturday evening, when she started asking me questions about the recent death of our latest puppy. You read it right baby. Two dead dogs in just one year. I can’t believe we’re that bad pet owners. But you have to believe me, we loved our pets so much and we took care of them to the best of our capacity. I just don’t know how and why things like that happened the same way as my sister does since she doesn’t stay in the house.

I answered her first batch of questions coolly and went back to my research. I thought I have given her a satisfactory report on how the poor thing died as well as enough hints that I need to pay attention to what I am doing that constant disturbance is the last welcome thing. However, she began asking me questions, one after another. I felt so exasperated that I was giving loud sighs before I start each sentence after a pause. It’s the kind of sigh that says “I don’t know why I have to explain this to you. Can I do it some other time because as you can see, I’m busy?”

Go ahead. Tell me I’m mean. But can you blame me when I lose patience because of a person who is so insensitive that she doesn’t see that I need to do an important thing? That she has all the time in the world to ask me those tear-jerking questions before I start writing yet chose to ask them in the wrong time?

She noticed my annoyance and started to get annoyed as well.

“Why are you sighing so loudly? I am just asking!”

“Yeah, you are. But didn’t I tell you what happened already? It seems like you’re trying to blame – ”

“Ewan ko sa ‘yo. Monster!” and she mumbles words that sounded to me as if they are words of protest and Lord knows what else. But it wasn’t surprising. She’s the kind of person who acts this way in this situation when she snaps readily at anyone who dared to disturb her in her busy moments.

I sighed, this time louder, but internally. ”Yes, I’m a monster. And you are a tech savvy princess who talks to me as if I don’t know how to use a computer when you don’t know how to attach a file to an e-mail and write your resumé.”

As you might have guessed, I was so upset that I ended up writing this post instead of finishing my research background.

Once upon a time, there was a conversation...

(In which the discovery of the song reminds me of a musical and tearful night.)

***

Can you sing for me?

What should I sing?

Anything. I want to hear your voice.

Okay…

Thank you.
And you? Can you sing for me?
Yes…

To Heaven
By: 조 성모.

괜찮은거니 어떻게 지내는거야 나 없다고또 울고 그러진

않니 매일 꿈속에 찾아와 재잘대던 너 요즘은 왜 보이질

않는거니 혹시 무슨 일이라도 생겼니 내게 올 수 없을

만큼 더 멀리 갔니 니가 없이도 나 잘 지내 보여 괜히

너 심술나서 장난친거지 비라도 내리면 구름뒤에 숨어서

니가 울고 있는건 아닌지

걱정만 하는 내게 제발 이러지마 볼 수 없다고 쉽게

널 잊을수 있는 내가 아닌걸 잘 알잖아

혹시 니가 없어 힘이 들까봐 니가 아닌 다른 사랑

만날 수 있게 너의 자릴 비워둔 것이라면 그 자린

To Heaven
By: Jo Seong Mo

Are you alright? How are you these days?
You aren’t crying because I’m not there, are you?
You used to come in my dreams every night
But why can’t I see you these days?

Did something happen?
Did you go far away so that you can’t come to me?
Are you mad because I try to look like I’m fine without you?
So you are just playing a joke on me as well?

When it is raining, are you hiding behind a cloud and crying?
All I do is worry about you, please don’t do this to me
You know how I can’t easily forget you just because I can’t see you

In case I was having a hard time without you
I kept your place empty so that I can find a new love
But all I can fill in that place is despair

Don’t be sorry; even if you are far way
Your image from before is stilled filled up inside of me
It won’t take that long until we meet in that place where there’s no goodbye
Until than, just wait for me a little longer

translation by: eebyul (also credit: aheeyah.com)

Thank you..

If there is anything I should be thankful for having bittersweet memories, it is the reminder that once, a melody was sung for me. If it is in anticipation of the future that seems so impossible to triumph over, I am still grateful that we had the past. And I believed him when he said his name means a road to heaven. I still do.