Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Rough Start

(In which I share some thoughts with the people who matter.)

***

Last Sunday was actually a decision day. I decided to watch the fifth season of Kyle XY which made me glad and hungry for the next season, which I unfortunately failed to find. But there’s always another time. I also decided to use a different cellphone network. Don’t ask me why. I decided to send messages to people I want to connect and reconnect with only to be successful with the second purpose. I never noticed how long I had been sitting in front of the TV set until it gets dark. I checked my phone and found nothing. Yes, it’s a decision day and I actually decided to be stupid. Pathetically stupid.

***

As I was cutting the potatoes for the French fries, I saw my sister texting and decided to ask her something unlikely for an older sister to ask her younger sibling.

“Excuse me,” I hesitated at first, “How would you know if a person doesn’t like another person?”

That’s it. I didn’t look back at her and focused on the potatoes to avoid seeing the why-the-hell-are-you-asking-that-question kind of stare. I heard her sigh and complained about her lack of sopranos for her recital.

“They’re backing out. What’s that again?”

I reiterated the question, this time faster.

“What do you mean by ‘like’?”

“Like.”

“Okay, a person doesn’t like another person if she/he looks at her/him as if she/he is the worst thing ever created.”

“Well, not that kind of thing. I’m talking about the romantic kind of liking.”

“Oh ok. He doesn’t like you if he doesn’t even care that you existed or that you are existing. In short, he doesn’t give a damn.”

“Like Kyle and Jessie?”

“Do they seem not to care about each other?”

“Give me more signs.” I sighed.

“Okay, if he doesn’t give you time.”

“And with that you mean?”

“If he doesn’t give time to even think about you.”

“How do you know if someone’s thinking of you?”

“Kyle and Jessie can read minds right?”

I threw my hands up and sighed. “We’re not talking about Kyle and Jessie.”

“Okay. So it’s you and another person. He doesn’t like you if he usually or totally ignores you.”

“Like he’s not responding to – “

“Text messages? Right.”

“Or if he – “

“Replies after at least two hours? Yes.”

I stopped talking as I saw that the potatoes looked browner than they should be.

Later on that evening, I found myself confiding to my Virtual Confidante again.

“The signs are all out. It’s like he almost said it,” I said with a tone of a desperate job hunter after a terrible interview.

“I suggest you wait until he says it. But honestly, I doubt if he’s ever going to say it.” His voice was always placid and smooth, that when he says something meant to break your heart you will first compliment his tone and then curse him for saying what he said.

“Thanks for pointing that out. You really are trying to help, aren’t you?”

“Why don’t you find out the truth straight from him? We are all clueless. I can tell you everything I know but it apparently won’t suffice.”

He has a point. But extracting the truth out of that elusive heart of Alvin will mean letting all the truths pour out of me while taking the great risk of being stupid and then a loser in the end. I was told not to assume unless otherwise stated but do I have to hear what is already obvious? But then could I still trust my intuition when it has failed me so many times? I was now caught between being wrong and being right that the truth matters to me so much and it would be redeeming to finally find it out. Yet I am never sure if it’s really the truth that I’m going to get.

I never aimed to be in something emotionally complicated and totally devoid of reason but that’s what I am in right now. Yeah, I might be having another decision day soon.